One of my biggest fears when beginning this adoption process was that I would not be able to connect the decision we were making to love this child with my emotions ... with my heart. Without going into too much detail ... the first 3 1/2 months home with Kenan have been incredibly difficult. And the love that I have for him has been decision based love ... not emotion based. This is because living with him has been like being in an extremely unhealthy relationship where you never know which thing you do is going to set him off. So I've been walking on eggshells ... dreading the next explosion ... counting the hours till bedtime ... trying to survive another day so that I can wake up and do it again. Yes, there've been laughs, and when he is happy, his smile can light up the room ... but the hard moments followed so closely on the heels of the good ones, that my heart has not had time to open up.
All this to say ... I think we've turned a corner in the last few weeks .... he is learning to trust us more, he's not as combative and explosive ... tantrums are fewer and smiles and peace are gaining ground. And the other night as I was tucking him in ... I thought to myself
.... I think I may be falling in love ......
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| Photo courtesy of Katie Campbell Photography |
This is so beautiful and daring in its honesty. It is what it takes to stay faithful and loving in our other relationships, as well. Thank you for being real. Thanking God for you!
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing journey you have been on. God is doing an amazing work in and through you. I really believe that it is the times when love is an action rather than an emotion that grow us deeper in our relationships...when we refuse to give up because it's hard or hurts.
ReplyDeleteyou made me cry tonight. love this post..been praying for this post to be a reality and to be written. Praise Jesus!
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